


Eve's Scramble

by ShianneUrami



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, M/M, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-07
Updated: 2013-02-07
Packaged: 2017-11-28 12:10:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/674254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShianneUrami/pseuds/ShianneUrami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The mall just before Christmas is not exactly the opportune time for two socially inept moirails to attempt to go shopping for their quadrants in. Somehow, they manage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eve's Scramble

**Author's Note:**

> Secret Santa 2k12 gift fic for faiell on tumblr.

“Sollux, will you please hurry the hell up? I’m freezing my shameglobes off out here!” Karkat griped, shuddering in place, his arms wrapped around himself.

Sollux shut the car door, putting his hip into it. Hunk of junk that refused to close properly. He glared at it like it’d personally insulted his lusus. The troll shook it off and jammed his hands into his pockets and looking up at the building before them.

The mall.

The epicenter of all that was wrong with this world.

A large building or series of connected buildings containing a variety of retail stores.

Another word that could be used in this scenario would be hell.

But on the other hand, the whole damn planet could pass for a metaphor for hell. Trolls were the minority despite being more dangerous and faster populating. Their natural violence was seen as a clear sign to shoot on sight if an altercation started. And humans were just so damn irritating. Little parasites that wormed their way under the skin and ruined everything. And trolls were not the type to just leave a thorn in their side. Yanking it out and tossing it off a bridge sounded fair. Naturally, that left quite a lot less trolls.

“Let’th jutht get thith over with KK. I don’t want to be here any longer than we have to.”

The two trolls, with hats pulled down over their horns, tipped ears, grey skin and strange eyes trudged through the slush and cold to the front doors, opening for them as if they were the highest of seatrolls. Neither took that cheery thought to the blood pusher.

Once in the thick of the main building, noise and people all around them, they realized that shopping for gifts three days before Christmas might not have been their best idea. A line to sit on the fat red man’s lap, food court up the escalators. Four branches from the center holding all of the stores. The two stood in the middle of the chaos, too happy music droning, children screaming, teens yelling, and far too many people.

Karkat groaned quietly, already irritated. He turned lightly, making eye contact with the taller troll, “Sollux, can’t we just do all this shopping and shit online? This place fucking blows!”

Sollux sighed, “Thadly KK, if we ordered everything yethterday we thtill wouldn’t have what we need on time. It’th thith or butht.”

“Butht it is then. This was fun, let’s never do it again!” He turned to leave, eyebrows high and eyes wide, “Let’s go!”

The psionic caught him with a quick hand, turning him around, “Nithe try, but we have to do thith. GZ and TZ will be dithappointed if we don’t. And maybe DV and KR.”

“Oh hell no. I am not getting anything for Kankri. He’s a bulge biter and I’m not going to waste my money on his sorry ass.” He retorted quickly, firm in his decision.

“Fair enough. I already thnagged DV’th gift the other day on the way home from work. He’th going to thcream.” The yellowblood’s breathy laughter was nearly silent in the buzz of the mall. He sighed lightly, “But thith ith a thing we have to do. At leatht for GZ and TZ, yeah?”

Karkat looked over the people and then up to Sollux, still stiff and visibly disturbed. Sollux shook his head, papping his cheek, rubbing his shoulder. Karkat submitted, letting his shoulders sag, “Fine. But only for Terezi. I could care less about your matesprit. But I’m still not getting anything for Kankri.”

“There we go! Feel better now?” He smirked.

“Can it douchebag.” He grumbled, but wrapped his arms around him quickly, resting his head against one bony shoulder.

From the right, far above them came a shrill whistle and a deep whooping. Both trolls turned quickly, the embrace broken. Leaning on the second floor’s railing stood a tall troll with one eye. She waggled her fingers at them. Sollux threw a bird in her direction, turning Karkat before he could get on her case too.

“Oh, I thought you two were going to be all over each other right here in front of everyone! Such scandelous palemates! Laaaaaaaame!”

That bird flew again and he pulled Karkat past a family that could have easily been mistaken for a school trip! He shuddered and turned down to the other troll, “You alright?”

He shook the hand off his shoulder, “Spiderbitch is right. We can’t be doing that in public like that. Wait until we get back to the pile, alright?”

“You’re right. You freak out again though and I don’t know if I can thtay my hand.” He chuckled, “You’re jutht tho fucking pitiful that I don’t think I could help mythelf.”

“Oh can it Captor. What’s the first thing on the list? I want to get my ass outta here ASAP.”

“Well I think that getting a cup of coffee and thinking over what we’re even getting would be a good idea. I already have DV covered, and from what you thay, KR’th thet too.”

Karkat crossed his arms, grumbling some string of slurs. Sollux snickered, pulling him over into the line for coffee and digging his phone out of his pocket. His eyes flicked around the room, watching people while things loaded, taking in details. Karkat watched him, cocking his head to the side, “What are you planning?”

He looked up, eyebrows high, “Hmm? Me? Nothing.”

They stepped another two spots up the line before Sollux cleared his throat once, slipping his phone back into his pocket. He ran a finger under his nose, shuffling in place. The taller troll was fidgeting. Like, worse than normal. Karkat knew him better than that by now. A few sweeps of being moirails and you tend to pick up on body language. Karkat turned to step in front of him, “No, no, no, what did you do?”

Sollux bit his lip to stop the smirk, gesturing to the big screen in the center of the center of the mall shifted suddenly to a red and orange website with very explicit content and lewd music and puppets. Lots and lots of puppets.

Karkat’s eye went wide, watching it before he spun back around, staring straight ahead. “You…”

“I?”

“Are a fucking genius. A complete and utter moron on every level and if you get caught, I’m not bailing you, but that is golden.” He muttered quietly, eyes darting back to the screen now and again. Already the humans were frantic. Hilarious to watch the aliens squirm.

“I’m golden.” Sollux snickered.

“This is true.” Karkat tried to force the smirk away, a hidden fist bump waiting for his moirail.

“That is EXTREMELY LEWD!! What are you humans even DOING?!” A voice shook the large room, a tall troll in the food court leaned over the railing, his skin shiny with sweat, his glasses slipping half down his nose. A smaller troll in a green trench was pulling him away, “NEPETA! THE-”

He was successfully shooshed, quickly and efficiently. In which that meant he sat in his seat silently brewing at the screen, shaking the slightest. The boys didn’t stop snickering until they’d inched to the front of the line, trying desperately to cover the chuckles and laughing at the hilarious turn of events. This wasn’t going to be that bad. Make the most of it and fuck with the humans. Was there a better Christmas wish? Unlikely.

“What can I get you…” The woman asked, the common greeting. She caught sight of what she was actually doing and cleared her throat, trying not to look intimidated. Humans. It was either fear or disgust. “Gentletrolls this afternoon?”

“One medium black.” Karkat fished his wallet out of his pocket, eyeing Sollux.

“One medium Peppermint-Cinnamon-Mocha-Thpice, pleathe dear.”

The look Karkat threw Sollux’s way was equal parts disgust and shock. Shock because woah, okay, what? And disgust because he was buttering up a human, and his taste in warm drinks was impeccable as ever.

“I swear you’re pregnant. Your taste gets more and more ridiculous every day. God, how can you stand that?” He handed over the money for his, Sollux handing her his with a small wink. She choked on her breath, freezing for a second before turning back to her things, trying not to freak. “That’s got to be at least 102% sugar Sollux. How?”

“Don’t be ridiculouth KK, it can’t be more than 100%. It’th a human drink. They’re dumb and limited by that maximum. And I think they’re deliciouth. You’re jutht rathitht. Onthe you go Peppermint-Cinnamon-Mocha-Thpice, you never go back.”

“I reiterate an earlier statement. You… are a moron.”

“I wish that were thome kind of, term of endearment for humanth. Thadly, we made that a univerthal thlam. Or, attempt at a thlam. You’re jutht kind of thad when you thay it. No fire. No pathion.”

Karkat quirked an eyebrow, “You want me to get fiery and passionate?”

“Thothe wordth are pretty red, don’t you think?”

“Oh my fu- Done with you. Go scope out your gift for GZ. I need to go that way. Meet you back here in an hour? Good, glad we got that settled, see you then.”

Karkat stalked off in the opposite direction before Sollux could stop him. Well, physically anyway. And he did have a point. He had to get Karkat a gift anyway. Best not to have him around when he did that. He already had a good idea what he was getting him. Gamzee on the other hand, he was almost completely clueless.

Turning into the bookstore, it was easy to locate what he wanted. Running his long fingers over the spines of all of the yellow books. A small gasp to his right caught him off guard. He turned his head to stare down at a small human child. He cleared his throat to ask what he wanted and the child interjected, “Are you one of Santa’s elves?!”

His eyebrows arched, “Elveth, what? No!”

“You have pointy ears! And your skin looks like you are in the snow a lot. All frozen and junk! You’ve gotta be one of Santa’s elves! You’re under cover to see what I want for Christmas, aren’t you?” He bounced a few times, coming closer.

Admittedly he was cute, in some gross way that all children were. And his curiosity was kind of funny. But all the same it was still offensive. He wasn’t an elf! He was a troll! The child half turned, “Mom! Mom it’s one of Santa’s elves.”

The kid was making a racket! Sollux got enough shit for being a troll. He didn’t want to have to sit through listening to a woman who could potentially be against his race explain to her child he was a spawn of the devil or something. That was NOT how he wanted today to go.

Sollux crouched down quickly, hissing slightly, “Hey, no. Shush. If I tell you I’m one of the big man’th elveth, will you keep your trap shut?”

The boy looked back, eyes wide, voice suddenly hushed, “R-really?!”

Sollux rolled his eyes, a gesture that was difficult to tell. “Yeth, yeth, jutht shhh, alright? God-”

“Prove it.” He crossed his arm over his chest and grinned at him.

Sollux studied the kid’s face. If he ever saw him alone when he was older, he was going to pumpel him into the dirt. What a smug little human shit. Instead of fighting it, the psionic held out a hand, pulling his glove off. Grey skin and long orange claws. The kid looked quickly from his hand to his face and back. Sollux nodded down at his hand as a few small sparks skittered off before a solid pulse picked up, the arcs of electricity jetting between one another forming a twisting snowflake just above his hand.

“Enough holiday cheer for you?” Sollux asked quietly.

He reached slowly and he hissed out, “Don’t touch. You’ll tarnish it. One way ticket to the naughty litht.”

He pulled his hand back lightning fast, just marvelling in the energy. A small smile perked at the corners of the troll’s lips. The red electric snowflake shook before popping. The child gasped, looking up at Sollux with a huge grin. He put a finger to his lips, “Shhh. You can’t tell. Got it?”

A series of nods that could have rolled his head off his very shoulders. The yellowblood gestured off the other way. “Go find your mother.”

The child wrapped his arms around Sollux’s neck before whispering, “Merry Christmas.” And then he was stumbling back around the end of the aisle. Sollux watched, his heart swelling with some emotion that was probably human and gross. He pulled the book off the shelf and paid for it. He left the shop to go hunt down a gift for Gamzee without a second thought or glance.

He found Karkat in one of the toyshops, the vein in his forehead pulsing. He dropped his hand onto his shoulder, startling him. He turned quickly, and Sollux patted the side of his face, “Shhh, what’th your ithue? I didn’t think TZ would go for little toy trainth. But, you do know her better than I do.”

“Shut up Captor. I don’t want to get her a fucking train. I want to get her that!” He pointed to the top shelf.

On the shelf was a large box, two of them. Along the front it read, ‘Prismacolor Marker Set of 156 - Assorted Colors’ It was an impressive array of colors. Sollux nodded, “And your ithue would beeeee? Can’t reach it?”

Karkat drove his heel into his shin for that one. He hissed and snickered. Karkat half turned to look at him. “The stupid thing is $326.16. I don’t have $350! And I don’t know what else I could get her. That’s perfect!” He leaned on the end of the aisle, “Earth blows.”

The psionic looked from his moirail up at the top shelf, then back a few times. Onlookers could probably hear the processors whirring in his think pan. He cleared his throat after a moment, “I’ll thpot you.”

His head shot up, eyes wide, “Wh-what- NO! You-”

“It’th Chrithtmath KK. The clothetht we can get to 12th Perigree’th Eve. I’d do it for you for that holiday, why not thith one? And bethideth, what are moirailth for? Theriouthly, don’t worry about it. If you don’t get it, I will anyway.”

The shorter stood frozen, staring up at his diamondmate for a few moments. With a ragged sigh he buried his face into his chest, wrapping his arms around him. With a small oof, Sollux hugged him back, rubbing his back. He rested his chin on top of his head in between the bumps in his hat that were his nubby horns and whispered, “You’re a thap.”

“Shut up.” He pulled back, avoiding his eye and muttered, “Thank you Sollux.”

“Don’t mention it.”

He looked back up at it, “How are we even getting it out to the car though?”  
A flurry of sparks jumbled around it before it shook, lifting off the shelf. Keeping it out of the way, but above everyone’s heads, he stepped back to the counter. Onlookers of both disgust and awe went unnoticed as he smirked. He didn’t let go of the box until it was in the back of the car. He leaned on the vehicle, “Well, wathn’t that a fun little adventure?”

“The best! I could write novels about much enjoyment I got out of that! Epochs of fun jam packed into one short afternoon. People weep at the thought they missed out on such a monumental occasion!” Karkat’s gestures were wide and exaggerated. He let his arms drop with a groan, “Can we just- Oh.”

“Waiting on you Vant-ath.” Sollux said from in the car.

He still had a few nights until Christmas. He could wrap Dave’s present and figure out what he was going to do for Gamzee in that time. Karkat wasn’t getting anything for Kankri and Sollux wouldn’t doubt that Terezi’s present would make her at least sniffle a little.

In the next few days he and Karkat decorated their apartments, deciding on having the small gathering at Sollux and Gamzee’s apartment rather than Karkat’s. It was bigger, and closer. Lights were put up, and garland. Two small trees. Dave stopped by with Roxy to help out. He instructed and sat on his ass on the sidelines. Typical kismesis. At least he was good at what he did.

The eldest blonde’s visit though had been a huge help. She and Sollux had talked over the few days on what he should get his highblood matesprit. He and Roxy were friends and she was Gamzee’s kismesis. They talked now and again and it was nice. She was a friendly girl, but Sollux could see why GZ hated her. She was far too flighty and bubbly and touchy for his liking. But she did offer good insight as to what Sollux should get him, and it was honestly a brilliant idea. She procured something from her baking friend for him, and he wrapped it all up with a bright purple bow, drawing a messy clown face along one side.

When the actual day rolled around, they got together late, letting the others hang out with their families and friends before their quadrants. Terezi and Karkat showed up together, and stayed with Gamzee in the living room. He’d been eyeing that big box all day. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to get him to realize it was his. Dave showed up after that, sitting next to Gamzee on the arm of the couch. Kankri was the last, arriving in a flurry of apologies that went unheard for the most part.

 

Gifts were passed out and screeches of delight and disgust echoed through the apartment. It was Christmas, if anyone had complaints, they could suck a bulge.

A bottle of Instant Regret Vodka from Strider to Captor. A shot was dumped into his eggnog without his notice. He spent the next ten minutes rinsing his mouth out in the sink and sparking. Dave had a nasty bruise across his left bicep for that.

Vengeance was sweet when Dave tore through his paper to a box with a pair of top of the line $500 headphones. Confusion and thoughts of quadrant vacillation laced through the room. He was urged to open it. He did. Inside the box was a dead crow. Dave’s screech was one of the few of horror of the night. Sollux ended up with a wheeze to his laugh from a harsh punch to the ribs.

Karkat didn’t go through with his plan to get Kankri a load of nothing. Instead, he got him a ball gag and a smile. Kankri said it was considerate that his blackmate would think of their love life and it was a shame he didn’t get him anything. ‘I didn’t want to get you something you wouldn’t like, or rather, WOULD like. So as not to trigger you, I refrained from getting you anything.’ Accusations of being cheap were never denied. The ball gag was shoved in his mouth before Karkat stalked off, leaving his spade to hide his smirk.

Terezi did indeed cry at her gift. A warning that if she spent too much time sniffing them it’d go to her head and it was for art, not he nose. (Though everyone knew it really was just so she could smell all the different colors.) She swore up and down and on the court not to sniff them TOO MUCH. Her gift to Karkat was two scalemates she’d made herself. Sir Nubby McShouty, a bright red dragon with grey stitching and nubby orange horns. The other was Scratchy Lady von Sniffer. A smaller teal plush with bright red stitching and miniature glasses. Karkat may or may not have teared up just a little. She kept Nubby, he kept von Sniffer.

Sollux’s gift to Gamzee when he finally tore into it was a huge box of tin cans COATED in the edible sugar that ringed martini glasses. The joke underneath was that Gamzee was a goat. Goats ate cans. It had to be explained. But once it had been he pulled one from the box, biting into it and laughing. He pulled Sollux in to lick a thick line across his cheek, trailing drool and sugar across his skin. Gamzee asked if his present be last.

Sollux and Karkat’s exchange was last. The psionic passed him the bag from the store, leaning back against his matesprit.

“Oh, wonderful wrap job asshat.”

“Ithn’t it gorgeouth? Took a lot outta me. Thankth for notithing.”

Karkat rolled his eyes and pulled ‘Beginning Programming for Dummies’ out of the bag. It was nearly flung at Sollux before Terezi put her hand on his arm. Sollux stifled a snicker, “What’th wrong KK? You don’t like it?”

“I stand behind my accusation that you are the worlds biggest asshole. Aside from Kankri.” He shot the other Vantas a look. He shifted under his eyes, looking off in a different direction with a small grin.

“Moirailth help one another with thingth that are troubling them. Your grathp on coding ith abtholutely ridiculouthly hilariouth. Tho that’ll help. I know, I know, I’m the betht palemate. Ith’th me.” He put a hand up, swaying away the praise.

Karkat slid over a box with his foot, “Guess I can say the same then. Enjoy Captor.”

The yellowblood tore into his box, opening it and pulling away tissue paper to find a wide assortment of cakes and candies and bottles. All were honey flavored. He glanced up and Karkat let out a small laugh, “You don’t eat right. Not that those are better for you, but it might get you to actually EAT.”

“Oh KK, you’re tho thoughtful. I… I think I might cry.” Sollux said, pressing his face into a small bag of honey candies.

“There’s a bottle in there that you have to share with me later. At least a glass.” He gestured, leaning back into Terezi, running a finger over the stitching.

Sollux dug through the box, pulling out a bottle. “Drambuie? Thith… you found honey whithkey? I didn’t even know that wath a thing!”

“You’re welcome.”

There was more chatter after that, the small group talking and poking at one another. It was a small and tight knit group. It was nice. As the night wound down, Dave and Kankri took their leave, Terezi after them. She said she’d meet Karkat back at the apartment, she had a pitch partner to visit. She left with a sleek look in her eyes. Sollux feared for her spade.

Karkat collected up the the bottle and two tumblers before gesturing for Sollux to follow down to the den. Sollux turned to find Gamzee with a small box in hand.

“Before you go bro, here. Open it up before I let you and your palebro have a jam session. I’m bushed anyway.”

Sollux nodded, opening the small box. He looked it over, confused, “Honey Dutht? What… ith thith?”

Gamzee grinned, a smirk that made Sollux’s stomach twist in all the best ways. He took the box back, kissing along his nose, “I’ll meet you in the chill block after your jam.”

The smaller didn’t get another word in before he absconded back off into the bedroom. Sollux was left curious and confused. And maybe just a little be aroused. Just a little though.

He shut the door to the den behind him, the fireplace, though fake was going brightly. Karkat was flopped over in front of it, already a few sips into his own glass. Sollux flopped down next to him, “Thankth for waiting. Appreciate it bro.”

Kakat rolled his eyes, handing him a glass, “It’s good. And I wasn’t going to wait for you to mack on the clown. Just chill with me before I have to head home and get my body ravaged.”

Sollux chuckled, that light airy nerd laugh before shaking his head, sipping at the drink. It was really good. It burned and it was really strong, but it had a distinct taste of honey and warmth. He sighed into the pile, resting his head against Karkat’s shoulder.

“Thankth for the junk food KK.”

“Don’t worry about it. Thanks for the how-to book. I’m sure it’ll do wonders for me.” He griped.

Sollux poked him in the ribs, “My pleasure.”

“And, you know, for helping me out with Rez’s gift. That I think was a better gift.”

A closer to genuine laugh and a small pap to the arm, “What are palemateth for? Happy to help.”

The two sat by the fake fire, drinking the honey whiskey for a few more minutes in silence, just enjoying the other’s company. Halfway through their respective glasses Karkat sat up, stretching out, “Weeeell, I need to get back to the house. I doubt dropping off the scorpion at Vriska’s house took this long. ‘It reminds me of you’. Hehe. I will take my leave.”

“You just wanna get home to that thweet piece’a ath.” Sollux poked him in the ribs with a bony finger again.

“That and I don’t want to keep you from your mate either. I think I can hear him whining with anticipation from here.”

Sollux sat up, “Ith that what that wath. I thought we had a gath leak.”

“Pffft- Funny. I think the gas leak would be less detrimental to your health in the long run.” Karkat snickered.

He pushed at him again, stumbling to his feet and setting his glass on the shelf, offering a hand to help Karkat to his feet. He hugged him when he had him up, “Thankth for everything K… Karkat. Merry Chrithtmath…”

Karkat buried his face into his shoulder, rubbing a hand down his back.

“Merry Christmas Sollux.”


End file.
